Defying Gravity...

For the past 5 months, my life has totally and irrevocably changed. I passed the point of no return. I changed myself, I changed everything. And I'm grateful to God for allowing me to do so. Last year, around this date, I had just received the confirmation of acceptance to this Master's Programme. One year later, NOW, I'm living my dream. THANK YOU! Thank you for all I've learned and for all I am about to learn. I've had my chance and I'm grateful for it...I won't lose it and I'll make the VERY BEST of it. That's my promise.

I was thinking the other day about what I learned in these past 5 months. About the so many ways in which I've grown and changed.

In these past months:

* I learned not only that I can live in a student campus, share everything and have less than 20 minutes of privacy per day, but that I actually enjoy it. It's like having a biiig family, with lots of brothers and sisters, something that I -as an only child- never had. Now I truly understand what "student-life" means, what having a party every day of the week means, what talking about everything and nothing until 4 o'clock in the morning means(Gwen Stefani's song is so appropriate for my nights there :) ), but also about hard work and solidarity. About balancing fun and studying.

* I learned that I can truly be independent. Actually, I feel like I've coined a totally Diana-meaning of the word "independent". Last week I was talking with my friends in an English Pub and the topic of traveling came about. One of my friends was telling me about wanting to visit more places when we'll be in Switzerland and I just embraced the idea. She said something that took me by surprise and made me realize something that I hadn't before. She was like "I love to travel, but I just cannot picture myself being as independent as you, although I want to". It surprised me to hear it and it gave me food for thought. I know that I'm independent, it's just that I've always viewed it as something normal, even more since I'm living abroad and I can travel anywhere I like within hours. For my colleagues and for the other people I know, though, it's something completely special. The fact that I can travel alone, go spend weekends in another country or in another city and just enjoy visiting, without having a boyfriend or anybody to come with me and "protect" me...this is something hard for them to understand. For me it feels natural, and now that I realized it, I'm actually quite proud of it. It's not that I wouldn't enjoy seeing the world with a person that I love, it's just that the two are completely different things. I will have my time of exploring the world with my loved one. At the moment I'm exploring it with the most important person in my life - myself. And that's the best character-building experience one could possibly have.

* In the past 5 months, I've visited on my own HOLLAND (all major cities, didn't miss one. I feel like Holland is almost like a second home to me now), BELGIUM (Brussels and Bruges), LUXEMBOURG, GERMANY (Koln and Bonn), ENGLAND (London, Warwick, Stratford, Dover, Windsor, Bath, Oxford, York), SCOTLAND (Edinburgh), IRELAND (Dublin), NORTHERN IRELAND (Belfast). I've lived between airplanes, airports and suitcases. Moreover, I had mornings in which I had been studying all night and was too tired to wake up so, due to oversleeping, I now am able to dress myself from head to toe, put on make-up and actually look quite ravisihing (yap, I'm modest) in 5 minutes. It's like in the army, only with Moschino instead of uniform and Jimmy Choo instead of military-boots :))

*I realized that I can truly take care of myself. And do it the right way. I can do my cooking, my laundry-washing, my cleaning. Everything. Including the grocery-store-shopping (imagine huge bags of mineral water, bread, fruits, meat and all types of groceries transported by lil' ol' me on FOOT, on the cobblestone streets of Leiden, without having a car or anybody to lend a hand. By the time I got to London I was already used to it, so it didn't seem weird at all :) ).

*I totally changed my style. My way of dressing has known a total transformation. Although I fancy the same type of feminine and girlie clothes, I'm much more aware of what suits me and what doesn't, of what I feel comfortable and uncomfortable in, of what flatters me more, of what I want to convey through my way of dressing. I'm much more stylish and confident now, and even more DARING. I've created a style of my own and it's not the average-taken-from-Vogue type, it's something tailored to my own personality and creativity.

I know exactly what I want in terms of fashion. If before I used to beat it around the bush when it came to deciding between two items, now it only takes 30 seconds. I know exactly what is for me and what's not. Moreover, I've grown more and more convinced that quality matters more than anything. If before I could have been swept away by a nice trendy-design and just think "Oh, it's not great, but it's fashionable", now I'm totally selective. I prefer buying one Chanel that I would look absolutely gorgeous and impeccable in now and 10 years from now, than 20 high-street brands that will last for less than one season and then will end up at the bottom of my closet. No, I'm not being snobbish, I swear. It's just that I realized it's a way of pampering myself. I've fallen in love with cashmere and silk, I absolutely adore them. And yes...I prefer fewer and better!

* I CAN FLIRT! Yes. That part of my brain responsible for flirting, the one that I thought was either numb or inexistent, it's there alright. I just needed to loosen up a bit more, to know exactly what I'm looking for, to be less rigid and less tense about it. I was always a lousy flirter...well...not anymore :). Although I'm as selective as I ever was and probably my Prince Charming will have to be somewhere pretty close to perfect...I discovered that flirting is quite an enjoyable pass-time.

*I can move my butt around - pardon my French - and I'm no longer glued to the seat of my car, like I was in Bucharest. At home, I would have barely moved from the car to the places that I needed to go to, even if the distances were small. I was so comfortable with the idea of being a couch potato. Well here...I walk a lot and I love it. In Leiden I used to walk 7 km a day (no exaggeration), here I walk less than that but definitely 2-3 km. And it's great.

*I hate junk food. If in Romania it would have tempted me, now it's a total no-no. You wouldn't see me entering a McDonalds or BurgerKing in a billion years! I'm a totally Sushi-girl, I love Thai food and Chinese! (Yummy). Nevertheless, when I'm going home for Christmas, I will go back to my first and only love - SARMALE! (D E L I C I O U S)

*I can take care of myself through one of the lousiest-most-dreadful colds known to mankind. At home, I would have had my mother to pamper me and cook me hot chicken soup, for my body and soul. Here...I only have two strips of antibiotics, paracetamol and...an iron will. And it's more than enough. Yo, viruses...bring it on!

*Margaritas aren't that bad. In Romania I would've never drank. Anything. Ever. Probably the largest amount of alcohol for me would have been 2 glasses of champagne for New Year's. As a one-time event, that is. Don't get me wrong, I still don't drink a lot and I don't like the idea of drinking as a sport. Nevertheless, I've discovered that social drinking is moderate and agreeable sometimes. If before I would have been like "NO! NO Alcohol!", now I'm more like "I'll just have a Strawberry Margarita and that's all for the night". For my friends whom are used to downing glass after glass, my attitude is somewhere between completely odd and unacceptable, but I laid down the rules quite carefully: I drink socially, but not more than a glass or two(tops). I enjoy my sober presence much more than my drunken presence (whom I fortunately not know and hope to never do). But it's a change from my old "hate-the-alcohol-concept". P.S. Cointreau is great.

*I realized what my true calling is. I've realized what I really want. I've realized that in order to get where you want, you simply have to...open your eyes and dream. Daydream! It's the first step towards getting where you belong.

*I'm juggling with two master-programmes at the same time. My master here and the one I still have to finish in Romania. I've worked in parallel on my papers and on my dissertation for my other Masters. Sometimes it feels like a handful. But most of the times it feels like "Girl Power" :)

*I've learned that hard work goes a long way. My professors here appreciated me because of my passion and dedication. You know how incredible it is to have people that you're looking up to in admiration coming to you and saying "Your work is exceptional" (and I quote). It's one of the greatest feelings of achievement one can experience. It's indescribable.

*I've learned that fighting for one's beliefs implies being "uncomfortable" and even taking the risk of being resented and hated. Like my friend Cynnetta says it, I "made the NATO guy cry". And I did it alright. I had a NATO official (that has probably experienced more IR and diplomacy than I ever did) ripping his hair off and almost wanting to slap me. In my book, that's a sign that I'm on the right track. I asked a question that he probably still resents me for...I know that for him I'm still that "f***in Romanian who couldn't keep her mouth shut". However, I was right...that is why he resented and attacked me. And the victory tasted even sweeter as he was forced to admit that I was right. It was something that I truly believed in. In justice. This is why I simply don't care whom I "bother" with my inquisitive mind...As far as I'm concerned, he could have me on his black list. I'm going to speak my mind any time, anywhere, with ANYONE. Full stop.

* I gained so many new friends that I will always treasure and keep in touch with. People from whom I learned a lot. From all over the world. Aside from my American colleagues, I now have people that are dear to me from Canada, Montenegro, Holland, Croatia, Austria, Nigeria, Ecuador...

*I did away with all my "toxic friendships". Yes, I've had quite a few of those. What is a toxic friendship? In my case for example, it's the friendship with a person who's constantly negative and instead of rejoicing and feeling happy for your accomplishments is rather on the other end of the stick and endorses a "What's so great in that"-attitude. If it were just a staple of character or a friendly advice when you're sidetracking, I would totally accept it, but when it's obviously out of spite and envy, I'd much rather press "delete" and just keep the good memories I've had with that person. I've banned from my life all the people who used to harm me and I finally managed to do it because I was detached enough to understand the mere harm they were doing. I just said "No More". No more alleged-friend-who-lies-to-me, no more You-re-never-good-enough kind of friend, no more Oh-you-re-like-my-sister-but-I-can-totally-stab-you-in-the-back kind of friend. No more pretending. Thank you, it's been good. Moving on!

*I've learned that a person can break your heart into infinitesimally small pieces, but it cannot break YOU, until YOU allow him to. This year, I've fallen in and out of love 2 times and I've learned a huge lesson - sometimes you get hurt by people that you would least expect. I had the biggest disappointment of my life and nonetheless, every day of my life I will be grateful for it, although at its moment it felt absolutely crushing. It was one of the priceless lessons that life has given me and I'm saying it with all my heart, I never felt it more true than I feel it now.

When you recover after a broken heart, somewhere deep inside you feel the need of being "saved". I did too. I needed the prince in shining armor to come and rescue me, teach me to believe in love again, to show me that not all men are total jerks that lead double lives and lie in your face. Well...I got my prince alright, he was the knight on the white horse in anybody's book. He was my prince...until he proved to be my worst nightmare. I wish these were just "ways of saying". They're not. Nobody deserves to go through that, NOBODY, not even one's worst enemies, believe me.

Nevertheless, not only I don't spite him, but I'm grateful for his presence in my life. Although he put me through hell and I never want to see or hear of him ever again, I've never felt stronger than I felt after that dreadful period passed. Before it happened, I never thought I could live through something like that. I always thought it would just crush me, that I will never bounce back. Well...I did. And I'm stronger than I ever was. And maybe I needed that nightmare in order to awake to a beautiful reality and realize that I don't NEED a savior. That I don't NEED someone to come and sweep me away and teach me to believe in love. I WANT love, yes, but there's a difference between NEEDING and WANTING. In the past, I had needed someone to save me...and it was all wrong. I needed the prince, to come and chase away the image of the villain, of the one who had broken my heart. Only the "prince" proved to be an even greater villain. Now I've come to realize that I'm the only one to "save" myself, to make peace with the past, to let go. This is why now I can truly love again. Sometimes you offer affection to people who don't deserve it nor know how to handle it. It's not your fault...the greatest thing in this world is about GIVING so you should never feel sorry. What goes around comes back around.

*I fell in love with the musicals and theatrical life of London. Actually, I kinda fell in love with London itself. It's so...ME, I felt like home there. And thanks to my experience abroad, I came to know artists and music that I hadn't known before. Now I listen to TRAVIS (just listen to "Why does it always rain" and "Love will come through"), MANIC STREET PREACHERS ("If you tolerate this(your children will be next)" - social manifesto), LOREENA MCKENNIT ("Santiago" and the entire album Nights in Alhambra), MICHAEL BUBLE (Frank Sinatra meets Dean Martin and Jazz) and...of course...my lifetime-love KATIE MELUA (the most amazing artist, versatile, sensitive...when listening to her songs I sometimes feel she's depicting MY LIFE).

*There are a few small things that started growing on me in a way I would have never pictured it before. Small things that you barely notice, yet which start to add up and change you more than you think. The Haagen-Daasz vanilla-and-cookies ice cream in the middle of the winter season (unconceivable for me before), the Dutch "FlowerBomb" perfume by Viktor&Rolf (that you can only find in Holland) for me...whom never fancied anything but Chanel Mademoiselle (that I still love!), eating Nachos and Tex-Mex food (God...that's so NOT good for one's figure, but it's delicious), speaking loud (like Americans do...oops).

*I fulfilled some dreams and had some great experiences such as:
-Seeing a live football game (Queens Park Rangers vs. Hull City) in London. It was great! (Gooo QPR! )
-Going to the Christmas Concert at the Royal Albert Hall (one of the most beautiful musical experiences I've ever had)
-Seeing the world on my own (you know Dido's song "Hunter"? The chorus goes like this "Wanna be a hunter again/Wanna see the world alone again/Take a chance on life again..."...that's how I felt)
-Dressing-up for my first Halloween-ever as "Female Harry Potter" (not Hermione, thank you very much, but FEMALE HARRY POTTER...:))) It was a blast)
-"Living" in the library for one week...:)), while working on my IR paper. Did you know you can actually live on chips and Dr.Pepper? (do NOT try that at home! :) )
-Hearing Milan Milutinovic's trial in the Hague (the former president of Serbia, tried for War Crimes) - world-shattering experience.
-Being at the ICC, ICJ, ICTY, NATO and EU Parliament. Being a member of the Royal Institute of Foreign Affairs. I'm thankful for these amazing opportunities!


*

Ending this looong posting, I can just say that I've found my "Hymn". Before I got here, my theme-song was "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson. Well..I've broken away. I've spread my wings...I can fly now. And I needed a new song. Without even looking for one, I found this song that I love. It's from the soundtrack of a musical called WICKED. I love it...it's so deep and symbolic. If some of you are a bit disconcerted about the new-attitude Diana, the one that emerges from the words of this blog, just listen to this song. You'll understand...


DEFYING GRAVITY

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down...

I'm through accepting limits
'Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But 'till I try, I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of losing love,
I guess I've lost...
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner fly
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down...

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky
As someone told me lately -
Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me -

Tell them how I
Am defying gravity!
I'm flying high
Defying gravity!
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1_3q01qx7o